VeggieAtlantis
by LilRicki
Summary: Silly Songs. Yup, they're filks. I am SO SORRY. Chapter Two posted due to, of all things, popular demand . . .
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note:_ WARNING: PURE SILLINESS AHEAD.

Also, if you haven't seen _VeggieTales_, you most probably won't get it. In fact, you'll be extremely confused. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Someone mentioned _VeggieTales_ in an SGAHC discussion thread once and, lo and behold, I found myself penning the following in jest. These are, in actuality, the first _Stargate: Atlantis_ fan-fictions I ever wrote.

And yes, they are filks. I weep in shame.

DISCLAIMER 1: I don't own _Stargate: Atlantis_ or _VeggieTales_. MGM and Big Idea do, respectively.

DISCLAIMER 2: Spoilers through episode 3x17 "Common Ground."

Thanks to Sarah for the beta. Apologies, too.

**VeggieAtlantis**

_by_ LilRicki

"**Keep Blasting"**

(to the tune of "Keep Walking" from _Josh and the Big Wall_)

Keep blasting, but you won't bring down our shield,

Keep blasting, but she isn't gonna yield!

It's plain to see, the poor guns that you wield

Cannot stand up, to the power of our shield!

You silly little hive ship.

You silly little dart!

You think that blasting down will make our force field fall apart?

The awesome power of this shield, we've shown to all and sundry.

Ah!

But out there in that cold, dark space, perhaps you're getting hungry?

John: I pity them, Rodney.

Rodney: Ah, mais oui, John Sheppard, mais oui . . . won't you join me in my irritating little song?

John: It would be an honor!

Keep blasting, but you won't bring down our shield,

Keep blasting, but she isn't gonna yield!

It's plain to see, the poor guns that you wield

Cannot stand up, to the power of our shield!

_(Repeat ad nauseam)_

- - - - - SGA - - - - -

"**The Hair Gel Song"**

(to the tune of "The Hairbrush Song" from _Are You My Neighbor?_)

Narrator (Carson's voice): Our curtain opens as Sheppard, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his hair gel. Having no success, Sheppard cries out . . .

Sheppard: Oh, where is my hair gel? Oh where is my hair gel? Oh, where oh where, oh where oh where, oh where oh where, oh where oh where, oh where . . . is my hair gel?

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his cry, Elizabeth Weir enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Sheppard in a towel, she regains her composure and reports . . .

Weir: I think I saw your hair gel back there! _(exits)_

Sheppard: Back there is my hair gel! Back there is my hair gel! Back there, back there, oh where, back there, oh where oh where, back there back there, back there . . . is my hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his joyous proclamation, Doctor Zelenka enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Sheppard in a towel, Zelenka regains his composure and comments . . .

Zelenka: Why do you need hair gel, you'll still get all the girls! _(exits)_

Narrator (Carson's voice): Sheppard is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. No need? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his hair gel? Sheppard wonders . . .

Sheppard: No need for my hair gel! No need for my hair gel! No need no need, no need indeed, no need indeed, indeed no need, no need . . . for my hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his wonderings, Doctor McKay enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Sheppard in a towel, Rodney regains his composure and confesses . . .

Rodney: Sheppard, that old hair gel of yours . . . well, you always use it, but don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry – wait, no I'm not. I gave it to Ronon - he DOES need it. _(exits)_

Narrator (Carson's voice): Feeling a deep sense of loss, Sheppard stumbles back and laments . . .

Sheppard: Not fair, oh my hair gel! Not fair, my poor hair gel! Not fair not fair, oh where oh where, my hair no where, not fair my hair, not fair . . . my precious hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): Having heard his lament, Ronon enters the scene. Himself in a towel, both Sheppard and Ronon are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of each other. But recognizing Sheppard's generosity, Ronon is thankful . . .

Ronon: Thanks for the hair gel.

Narrator (Carson's voice): Yes, good has been done here. Ronon exits the scene. Sheppard smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the hair gel, calls out . . .

Sheppard: Take care of my hair gel! Take care of my hair gel! Take care take care, don't dare not care, take care nice hair, no fair take care, take care . . . of my hair gel!

Narrator (Carson's voice): The end!

(_Author's Note:_ Mmmm . . . Sheppard and Ronon in towels . . .)

- - - - - SGA - - - - -

"**The Genii Who Don't Do Anything"**

(to the tune of "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" from _Very Silly Songs!_)

Narrator (Carson's voice): Today we have Acastus Kolya and Commander Cowen, joined by Ladon Radim, who together make up the infamous gang of scallywags, the Genii Who Don't Do Anything!

Kolya, Cowen and Ladon: We are the Genii Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you . . .

Kolya: We don't do anything!

Cowen: Well, I've never farmed for tava, and I've never flown a 'jumper, and I've never kept my secret bunker secret, not at all! And I've never been a good guy, (but I was in lots of Star Trek,) and I've never been to Athos in the fall!

All: 'Cause we're the Genii Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you . . .

Ladon: We don't do anything! And I never hunted Sheppard, and I never fixed the station, and I never did much in "The Storm," not much if you recall! And I never stuck by Cowen, and I never stuck by Kolya, and I've never been to Athos in the fall!

All: 'Cause we're the Genii Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you . . . We don't do anything!

Kolya: Well, I've never captured Sheppard, and I've never tortured Rodney, and I've never taken Doctor Weir as hostage in my thrall! And I never took a bullet, and I'm not too good in combat, and I've never been to Athos in the fall!

Cowen: Huh? What are you talking about? You've done all those things!

Ladon: Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about things we _don't_ do!

Kolya: Oh . . .

Cowen: And you've captured Sheppard twice! But he's _still_ not dead! Why bring up _that_ failure? Am I right? _(to Ladon) _What do you think?

Ladon: I think you look like Chief O'Brien.

Cowen: Huh? No I don't!

Ladon: You're making me want to watch Star Trek.

Cowen: That's it, you're gettin' thrown in the reactor!

Ladon: Says who? Besides, I already nuked you!

Cowen: Says the chief, that's who!

Ladon: Oh yeah? Sure thing - _Chief O'Brien!_

_(Cowen chases Ladon around while Kolya sings)_

Kolya:, And I've never had a bunker, and I never tranquilized Ford, and I never kept a Wraith as pris'ner in a cell so small! And I never stormed Atlantis, and I don't look mean or scary . . .

Cowen: _(to Kolya) _You just don't get it.

All: And we've never been to Athos in the fall!

- - - - - SGA - - - - -

_Author's Note:_ I am SO SORRY.

If you were amused, I'd like to know! If you were disgusted, I'd like to know! Constructive criticism, please.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note_: I am both shocked and slightly embarrassed at the reception these silly filks have received.

The reviewers have demanded more. I have acquiesced.

And no, it's not that I have no life. It's just that I am very good about procrastination where studying is concerned. So thank you all for my soon-to-be-failing grades.

Oh, and apparently, I do requests now. The following are the first three Silly Songs reviewers asked to see filked.

No promises, though – I'm going to keep the fic marked as "Complete" because I may very well never come back to it. But then again, the urge to filk may just strike me some day . . . some day with a term paper looming, I'm sure . . .

DISCLAIMER: Spoilers through episode 3x16 "The Real World."

Thanks and apologies for the beta again go to Sarah.

- - - SheppardandMcKayareagreatteamlikeLarryandBobareagreatteam - - -

"**The Highland-Dancing Doc of Atlantis"**

(to the tune of "The Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps" from _Very Silly Songs!_)

_(AUTHOR'S NOTE:_ _I love Carson so please don't hate me!)_

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

A healer lived not long ago, he's known far and away,

A doctor's mind -

ZELENKA: Not Rodney's kind!

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

- is how he earned his pay,

But though he knew no physics nor how Ancient chairs did work,

He would heal the sick -

ZELENKA: What made them tick!

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

- including Colonel "Kirk"!

Woah . . . !

(_Doctor Carson Beckett, in a kilt, examines bug-Sheppard while the team waits_)

CARSON:

What have we here? It's my poor friend Sheppard!

A retrovirus has turned him blue!

We need bug eggs for my poor friend Sheppard!

But in the meantime, I will dance for you!

_(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not going to make him yodel. Just be satisfied with imagining him hopping around in a kilt. Mmmm, kilt . . .)_

(_Doctor Biro talks to the team while Carson dances_)

DOCTOR BIRO:

The stress has gotten to him, but the medicine is sound,

So send Sheppard to the bug cave and then stun him to the ground!

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

He'd surely save the day with that kind Scottish brogue of his,

Though all that highland dancing often made one say, "Gee whiz!"

The staff would puzzle o'er it all, especially that one kiss!

For the curious ways of the Highland-Dancing Doc of Atlantis!

Woah . . . !

DOCTOR BIRO: Good news on Sheppard, Doc! He's up . . . and Teyla's kickin' his butt again.

(_Kilt-clad Carson examines nanite-infected Weir while the team waits_)

CARSON:

What's this now, lass? Our dear Eliz'beth!

The nanites have her! Nothing I can do!

But if John speaks, he will help Eliz'beth!

And in the meantime, I will dance for you!

(_Doctor Biro talks to Sheppard while Carson dances_)

DOCTOR BIRO:

Hurry past the guard, grab her by the arm,

Knowing you are there will help to keep her safe from harm!

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

His fame did grow, as all do know, until one day Weir said,

"You have to go offworld right now, or Teyla may be dead!"

The healer said, "Ach, aye, I'll go, but lass – oh, bugger this!"

CHUCK: And also . . .

CARSON (_offscreen_) Bloody insanity!

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

To the boss of the Highland-Dancing Doc of Atlantis!

Woah . . . !

DOCTOR BIRO: Good news on Doctor Weir! No more hallucinations. Has she talked to you yet? I – wait, where'd he go?

(_Cut to: Carson examines hostage-taking-Ronon offworld; Teyla waits, hostage_)

CARSON:

What we have here is a hunted Ronon!

Remove the tracker is what we must do!

I'll have to drug this angry Ronon,

If he won't let me, I'll just dance for you!

(_Carson dances. Ronon gets mad. Hilarity ensues. Cut to:_)

DOCTOR BIRO: What d'you mean, "Carson's offworld!?"

QUARTET (Caldwell, Lorne, Zelenka and Chuck the technician):

Here's the moral of the story (don't just put it on the shelf!):

"A dancing doctor might require a doctor for himself!"

The staff would puzzle o'er it all, especially that one kiss!

For the curious ways of the Highland-Dancing Doc of Atlantis!

- - - IalwaysassociateJuniorAsparaguswithZelenkaandIdon'tknowwhy - - -

"**The Ghosts of Wraith"**

(to the tune of "The Grapes of Wrath" from _God Wants Me to Forgive Them!?!_)

(_A hive ship goes cruising through space. The red-haired Queen and a Drone are onboard. Steve and Bob are in the back._)

ALL:

We are the ghosts . . . of Wraith!

We all have met our fate!

Yes, we've all died, in cell or hive, so full of hate!

DRONE: We are the!

ALL:

Ghosts . . . of Wraith!

Some did try to escape,

But in our path was Sheppard's wrath,

So now we're ghosts of Wraith!

QUEEN: I'm Queen

DRONE: I'm Drone

BOTH: This is our hive

DRONE: We're all dead and we know it!

QUEEN: That's Steve and Bobby -

DRONE: Not alive!

BOTH: And Shep's the reason for it!

STEVE & BOB:

We are the Wraith you want to meet

Despite our monstrous breeding

STEVE: We're dead and harmless, nice and neat!

BOB: Incapable of feeding!

ALL: It is our dying wish

STEVE: That you'll be made a dish

BOB:

As other wraith descend and make

You gape like fish!

DRONE: 'Cause we're the!

ALL:

Ghosts . . . of Wraith!

We're dead, but still irate!

We hope you die, you human flies!

We are the ghosts of Wraith!

We hope you die, you human flies!

We are the ghosts of Wraith!

- - - EverybodywantsBarbaraManateesodon'taskmaybeI'lldoitnexttime - - -

"**His ZedPM"**

(to the tune of "His Cheeseburger" from _Madame Blueberry_)

NARRATOR (Carson's voice): Ahem. And now it's time for love songs with Mr. Z. The part of the show where Mr. Z comes out and sings a love song.

(_Doctor Radek Zelenka sings. With a microphone. And spotlight. In a tuxedo._)

ZELENKA:

He said to them "I'd like to do research,

"On those ruins you have over there,

I'm getting an energy reading – "

John said, "Rodney, they really don't care.

These folk think the ruins are sacred,

Later we'll try it again."

He said, "I am extrem'ly impatient!

No way I can wait until then!"

'Cause you're his ZedPM! His shiny ZedPM!

He'll search for yoo-ou, yeah! He'll search for yoo-ou, oh!

You are his ZedPM! His precious ZedPM!

He'll search for yoo-ou! Oh, he will search for you!

He stole to the ruins at midnight,

He followed his scanner around,

Then he jumped as his radio crackled:

"Rodney, what did you do now?!"

He heard angry shouts in the distance,

They sounded closer now to his fright,

ZedPM please do not get angry!

But now he must flee for his life!

'Cause you're his ZedPM! His Ancient ZedPM!

Be back for yoo-ou! He'll be back for yoo-ou!

Won't be so long ZedPM! Oh lovely ZedPM!

Be back for yoo-ou! Oh he'll be back for you!

'Cause he loves you ZedPM with all his pow'r!

Even enough to stand up to Doctor We – ir's glow'r!

And if she still wouldn't let him have his way,

He would make another scan some other day,

To see if something on that planet said that you were nearby,

And he'd make Ronon fight for you!

Make John fight for you!

Even make sweet Teyla fight for you!

(_Big emotional moment for Radek_)

You are his Zed – P – M!

- - - Ican'tbelievemyfirstevermulti-chapterpostingisabunchoffilks - - -

_Author's Note:_ On a completely serious note, THANK YOU to everyone who sent me feedback – it is SUCH a good feeling to know that I was able to make people laugh! I hope these brighten your day as well. And don't worry – I'm sure I'll do fine in my studies. :-)

Constructive feedback is, as always, much appreciated.


End file.
